I hope I help, even if its a couple months after.

(The way you described your husband reminds me of myself.)

What attracted me to him while we were dating? Good looks. Adventurous spirit. Intelligence. Physical strength. Love of outdoors. Defiance of convention. Independent thinking. Skill in bed.

What made me choose him “above all other men”? (Ha, you make it sound like I had a million men waiting in line). The truth is, I asked him if he’d like to get married after I went on a family trip in which it came home to me how ready I was to move beyond “daughter” and “sister”. Then he made it public on an outing with friends during which he was flirting with another woman, saw it hurt me, so announced to the group that we were getting married as a way to mollify me.(We hadn’t discussed together when/how we’d make a public announcement- this was out of the blue for me) Not so very healthy a way to get together, was it?

Myers-Briggs. I’ve done it for myself. He won’t do it. He hates anything that smacks of simplistic labels. Both our family doctor and a relative versed in these things told me independently what their assessment of the two of us was and what I remember was that we are totally different. I want to say he is INTJ and I’m –whatever the opposite of that is (can’t remember – E_F_?)

What does husband think of “deepening” the relationship? I don’t know. Anytime I try to ask him that kind of question, he won’t anwswer, or he’ll say something about “too much analysis”. Once he said he didn’t want to answer when I asked “what do you want in a marriage” because he was concerned he might have “the wrong” answer, like if I didn’t like his answer I’d punish him somehow. Once he said something like, “Maybe we shouldn’t ask these questions. What if we find out we don’t belong together?” My opinion is that if we don’t belong together, we shouldn’t be together! Why would we want something not good for either of us?

I do know that he feels that sex is a way to connect on a deep level, deeper than what I believe. I mean, sex is great and intimate and close and vulnerable…but you have to have more than that. I have to, anyway, to call it a Relationship.

Enough. Thanks for your concern, and for listening. I’ve appreciated the opportunity to speak my mind here.

Suggestion: Try the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Find a relationship therapist who is qualified to administer and interpret it. Make sure he also helps in the verification of Type rather than simply giving the two of you the “reported” results.

When ‘your husband’ thinks of “deepening the relationship” what does he think of? What’s his version of ‘deep’?

Giovanni

I’m thinking that you can’t change anyone. Nor can anyone change you. I would like for my spouse to be more communicative, to share ideas and perceptions with me, to share feelings and inner struggles. But as I’m able to look at him more objectively, now that the ruckus from our recent uproar has died down, I see that he’s never been like that. He’s never been much of a talker. He does think about things, he’s very bright, he has definite opinions. But he doesn’t thrive on verbal interchange the way I do now.

For me, it has become like nourishment. I crave that kind of connection. I wish I could have it in my marriage, but I just can’t. So, now what do I do? Accept it, be glad for the good stuff I have, find connection somewhere else? Probably, at least for now. The kids need us both. There are other good things in the marriage.

I’ve tried to draw inspiration from some of the words I’ve read here about marriage and how it’s “designed” to help people mature. That is surely right. On the other hand, where does one draw the line? I mean, is it a maturing exercise to stay in an unhappy marriage, where only one of you seems interested in deepening the relationship? Or is that just an exercise in futility?

Anyway, where I am today is acceptance, focussing on the present, reminding myself not to get hung up on tomorrow or yesterday. Acceptance with questions, obviously. Like ice cream with chocolate sauce.

Thanks for listening.

Giovanni

Anyway, yes I am referring to China’s deliberate devaluation of its currency to make its exports more appealing. I just read the other day that China’s ferocious economic growth is bringing with it a whole set of different problems. For instance, something like 7 out of the world’s 10 most polluted cities are in China, there are traffic bottlenecks everywhere, the rural sector is suffering without any state health care, etc etc. I don’t think they can sustain their growth for too long.. these factors will take its toll.

When you speak of ‘playing by the rules’ I imagine you are referring to the trade balance; to the economic piracy that goes on in some of these asian countries; to economic spying; and to other factors like unfair labour practices?

When I speak of the the ‘first’ I mean it in the sense of the ‘former’. The former being the 1938 olympics while the ‘latter’ refers to the 2012 olympics. I don’t mean it in the sense of the ‘first’ olympics ever held. Perhaps I should have been clearer with my usage.

Look forward to hearing from you again.

Giovanni

By the way, I don’t think the 1938 Olympics were the “first”

When you ask by whom it was designed, your question posits the belief in a ‘designer’. I like your question, and the answer I give is God.

Thanks for this conversation.

Giovanni