The Secret Lives of Diaries

Healing & Rebirth

Posted in Healing & Rebirth by secretlives on April 13, 2006


 I spent last weekend with a 15 year old and a 16 year old, both young ladies. They are neighbors of a friend of mine. I told them stories, gave them advice, shared my wisdom of 25 years and the past few being filled with what most would call mistakes. I made sure they understood that they could not regret anything if they learned from it, but attempted to save them some grief by hoping they could learn from my story. Learn from all of the sadnesses and bitter moments. Learn from my lover of 5 years who left me for the woman already wed. Learn from the child born of this union. Learn from the drug binge which left me empty and alone. Learn from the education I had abandoned. Learn from the man who would do everything for me and my child, everything but truly love me. Learn from the way I learned from all of these things and changed for the better.

I hoped they would understand.

And we also laughed. They reminded me of their naivete, but they also reminded me of how nice it is to be simple at times. No complexities, just silliness and giggles. Just an afternoon spent with a board game and some grilled chicken salad that was followed with oatmeal cream pies.

I wondered why this event meant so much to me.
I suppose it was the desire in me to feel like a sister again.
A big sister.

My brothers, both grown and mature, well, they’ve always stuck together, being within a year of each other, and they are both in different states, regardless.

I know it was because I miss my younger sister, though.


It’s been 4 years now since she’s died. One year younger than I am, and a friend to everyone she met. Pregnant and engaged to be married, she was killed by a police officer who was speeding after another vehicle. He did not use his flashing lights. The rain was pouring down. He came right over the hill, into their lane, head on collision. She asked Vince if her baby was okay. Then she said I love you. And she put her head down, and was gone.

I hated them all. Every officer of the law. For quite some time. The first time I was pulled over was just 3 days afterward. I cried and screamed at the man. He followed me from a distance to make sure I got home. One month later, my son was born. Into a quiet house, something beautiful happened. Over time, my mother would rock him, hold him, love him. Over time, and life went on, as they say.

But I miss the story swaps, the catch-ups, the late night movie marathons filled with asinine laughter and shared blankets. The normal things that are taken for granted in everyday life between sisters. I still have 3 older sisters. We love one another, but none of us are as close in age. And I wonder if I was gone, would they miss the relationship they could have had with their younger sister, the way I miss the one I had with mine?
I think I may have done what I can for the sweet teenagers from this weekend past. I think it’s time I went to spend a weekend with one of my real sisters. Sometimes something small wakes you up to what you’re missing.



3 Responses to 'Healing & Rebirth'

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  1. secretlives said,

    How beautiful. Looks like that ‘something small’ within you is germinating.


  2. shasta said,

    Oh Jill. You have been through too much for someone so young. Big cyberhug to you. I’m glad you could pass on some wisdom to the younger girls, and hope it helped you process it and heal from it.

    The best to you.

    47 yrs

  3. missmonk said,

    Thank you both…..
    I believe there are no mistakes if it changes you, affects you, and teaches you…..
    I have been well taught

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