The Secret Lives of Diaries

What To Do?

Posted in Relationships by secretlives on May 27, 2006

mare said,

on May 26th, 2006 at 6:29 am

Before you all close up shop here, I want to take advantage of your hospitality one more time. I need a place to put in words what I’m feeling and thinking about my marriage right now.

I’m thinking that you can’t change anyone. Nor can anyone change you. I would like for my spouse to be more communicative, to share ideas and perceptions with me, to share feelings and inner struggles. But as I’m able to look at him more objectively, now that the ruckus from our recent uproar has died down, I see that he’s never been like that. He’s never been much of a talker. He does think about things, he’s very bright, he has definite opinions. But he doesn’t thrive on verbal interchange the way I do now.

For me, it has become like nourishment. I crave that kind of connection. I wish I could have it in my marriage, but I just can’t. So, now what do I do? Accept it, be glad for the good stuff I have, find connection somewhere else? Probably, at least for now. The kids need us both. There are other good things in the marriage.

I’ve tried to draw inspiration from some of the words I’ve read here about marriage and how it’s “designed” to help people mature. That is surely right. On the other hand, where does one draw the line? I mean, is it a maturing exercise to stay in an unhappy marriage, where only one of you seems interested in deepening the relationship? Or is that just an exercise in futility?

Anyway, where I am today is acceptance, focussing on the present, reminding myself not to get hung up on tomorrow or yesterday. Acceptance with questions, obviously. Like ice cream with chocolate sauce.

Thanks for listening



Posted in Transitions by secretlives on May 21, 2006

I may be deleting this web log in a couple of weeks.  I may be integrating it with .  If there are reasons why I shouldn't do this, please let me know.