The Secret Lives of Diaries

What To Do?

Posted in Relationships by secretlives on May 27, 2006

mare said,

on May 26th, 2006 at 6:29 am

Before you all close up shop here, I want to take advantage of your hospitality one more time. I need a place to put in words what I’m feeling and thinking about my marriage right now.

I’m thinking that you can’t change anyone. Nor can anyone change you. I would like for my spouse to be more communicative, to share ideas and perceptions with me, to share feelings and inner struggles. But as I’m able to look at him more objectively, now that the ruckus from our recent uproar has died down, I see that he’s never been like that. He’s never been much of a talker. He does think about things, he’s very bright, he has definite opinions. But he doesn’t thrive on verbal interchange the way I do now.

For me, it has become like nourishment. I crave that kind of connection. I wish I could have it in my marriage, but I just can’t. So, now what do I do? Accept it, be glad for the good stuff I have, find connection somewhere else? Probably, at least for now. The kids need us both. There are other good things in the marriage.

I’ve tried to draw inspiration from some of the words I’ve read here about marriage and how it’s “designed” to help people mature. That is surely right. On the other hand, where does one draw the line? I mean, is it a maturing exercise to stay in an unhappy marriage, where only one of you seems interested in deepening the relationship? Or is that just an exercise in futility?

Anyway, where I am today is acceptance, focussing on the present, reminding myself not to get hung up on tomorrow or yesterday. Acceptance with questions, obviously. Like ice cream with chocolate sauce.

Thanks for listening


3 Responses to 'What To Do?'

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  1. secretlives said,

    What attracted you to him while you were dating? What was it about this person that made you choose him above all other men?

    Suggestion: Try the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Find a relationship therapist who is qualified to administer and interpret it. Make sure he also helps in the verification of Type rather than simply giving the two of you the “reported” results.

    When ‘your husband’ thinks of “deepening the relationship” what does he think of? What’s his version of ‘deep’?


  2. mare said,

    Giovanni – Thanks for the response. I’m going to answer your questions, since you asked.

    What attracted me to him while we were dating? Good looks. Adventurous spirit. Intelligence. Physical strength. Love of outdoors. Defiance of convention. Independent thinking. Skill in bed.

    What made me choose him “above all other men”? (Ha, you make it sound like I had a million men waiting in line). The truth is, I asked him if he’d like to get married after I went on a family trip in which it came home to me how ready I was to move beyond “daughter” and “sister”. Then he made it public on an outing with friends during which he was flirting with another woman, saw it hurt me, so announced to the group that we were getting married as a way to mollify me.(We hadn’t discussed together when/how we’d make a public announcement- this was out of the blue for me) Not so very healthy a way to get together, was it?

    Myers-Briggs. I’ve done it for myself. He won’t do it. He hates anything that smacks of simplistic labels. Both our family doctor and a relative versed in these things told me independently what their assessment of the two of us was and what I remember was that we are totally different. I want to say he is INTJ and I’m –whatever the opposite of that is (can’t remember – E_F_?)

    What does husband think of “deepening” the relationship? I don’t know. Anytime I try to ask him that kind of question, he won’t anwswer, or he’ll say something about “too much analysis”. Once he said he didn’t want to answer when I asked “what do you want in a marriage” because he was concerned he might have “the wrong” answer, like if I didn’t like his answer I’d punish him somehow. Once he said something like, “Maybe we shouldn’t ask these questions. What if we find out we don’t belong together?” My opinion is that if we don’t belong together, we shouldn’t be together! Why would we want something not good for either of us?

    I do know that he feels that sex is a way to connect on a deep level, deeper than what I believe. I mean, sex is great and intimate and close and vulnerable…but you have to have more than that. I have to, anyway, to call it a Relationship.

    Enough. Thanks for your concern, and for listening. I’ve appreciated the opportunity to speak my mind here.

  3. Brian Torres said,

    He sounds scared. He wants to stay with you for the kids, but you can tell his hearts not in it. My advice is leave him a letter. In it tell him how your feeling and such.

    I hope I help, even if its a couple months after.

    (The way you described your husband reminds me of myself.)

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